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| thursday was the last day of my second year of college at UCI. this year wasn't too special. it wasn't like first year, where i was actually tearing up when i left the dorms. i wasn't sad about leaving my CV apartment this year, just because i didn't feel as if i bonded too much with my roommates. i was in a state of mind where i didn't really care about what they were doing, what was going on in their lives, etc, etc... i was in a state of mind where i just wanted them to leave me alone and let me do my own thing. i didn't open up too much to them just because i never felt close to them and it's awkward for me to open up to people that i don't know well... i feel kind of bad that i didn't bond a lot with them just because it felt like some of them actually tried to put in the effort to get to know me, but i just brush them off... they would tell me about their feelings and what not, and i'd be sitting there zoning out and nodding my head... but i don't know...
this year was really boring at first actually. i was very focused with school. my first two quarters, i would just stay in my room and study all the time. always studying for bio... which really paid off... but during spring quarter, i really wanted a change in my life. i couldn't stand being in my room like all the time and not doing anything fun, so i decided to pledge for aphio. i believe that aphio was a good decision because i've met some many uber awesome people through the fraternity and i don't have to be like a hermit crab, just hiding in my room all day... i do believe that i've learned to be more social by pledging because i'm not as afraid as i used to be to approach people and to make myself look like a fool. i enjoyed having something to do and to keep me busy even when it meant staying up until late at night to do showcase practices. there were tons of highlights and a lot of hard times, but in the end, it was well worth it as it'll be something that i'll remember for the rest of my life. (:
highlights:
- getting to meet 250+ people
- getting to bond with my pledge class & make tons of new friends
- retreat, even though it lasted until 8AM.
- big/lil revealing (:
- banquet (: (: i had much more fun than i could've imagined
- fun services!
- bonding with the fam <3
- support from my fellow pledge bros
- showcase
downfalls:
- showcase practices until really, really, really late at night (2AM or 4AM)
- douche bags
- attempting to talk really loud during showcase ): it was so hard
- drama
- cramming for midterms/finals
- spending a lot of money
all the sweat and tears were worth it. i would do the whole pledging process again if i had to, just because it's one of the best experiences i have had in my life. i seriously thought that pledging would have had a huge impact on my grades...because it's so time consuming.. i'm always doing frat things. when i have free times on my hands, i'll always be at the tents doing interviews, so there's hardly anytime for studying ): but thank goodness that it didn't make such a huge impact on my grades. surprisingly, i'm doing really well in my classes.
other than aphio, my year hasn't been too eventful. i'm glad i got to end my second year with a bang (: although i didn't walk away from 250+ close friends, i'm glad that i walked away with a handful of really good friends that i know i can rely on if i needed them (: there would have been no way i would've met these people if it weren't for aphio! so yay! i'm really looking forward to next year! (:
okay, that's all i have to say about my second year! i don't even think anyone reads this anymore. but if you do, i hope you enjoyed my recap (: toodles
-vanilla bean dinosaur
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| last night was the AP tour with FTSK, Sonny Moore, and The Matches as the opening acts and All Time Low and The Rocket Summer as the co-headliners. days leading up to this concert, i wasn't even excited at all. not even a bit. i actually wanted to back down from the concert like yesterday because i usually don't like the whole pre-concert phase... where you're like waiting in line and looking at all the other kids that are going to be preoccupy the same space as you and probably like be very persistent with taking your spot in the pit. i guess crowds scare me. i like how the trauma of warped tour 2005 has still stuck with me. that sucks. but yeah, obviously i ended up going because i paid for the tickets and i'm pretty sure that no one would want to take my place since apparently no one likes pop-punk/indie/alternative rock music anymore.
okay. so i got ready and got picked up by jenny at like 5:20PM. lol. the show starts at 6:00PM and it was traffic-y since it was rush hour. but i was kinda glad that there was traffic because i figured i wouldn't want to fight people for good seats. lol. so we got there around 6:10ish. the line for willcall was SO long ): it took forever for us to get in... the security guards frisked the guys pretty thoroughly..and i thought they would do the same for the girls? and i was getting kinda nervous because i had a camera...and there was a sign with venue rules that said no cameras.. so when it was my time to get frisked.. i actually didn't get frisked. i didn't even get touched by the security. they just let me through. pretty shocking because usually, i at least get wanded by security guards. okay. so we get in. and ftsk was already playing!! i was pretty upset because i was looking forward to seeing them and listening to them.. i wasn't really there for sonny moore or the matches. just the co-headliners and ftsk. so, after ftsk finished playing, i didn't feel like being in the pit with everyone to see sonny moore and the matches.. so i just went to the merch booths to try to meet ftsk since they were doing meet and greets... and also to take a breather. lol. when i was outside, i only saw the lead singer of ftsk...and he seemed like he wasn't very into it...so i was expecting the other guys from ftsk to have the same kind of attitude.. like not really into meeting their fans... so after that, i just went up to the balcony to watch sonny moore..
sonny moore is a very, very interesting musician... he actually went into the crowd to sing "glow worm"? and he actually let everyone like touch him and what not. it just looked SO brutal at the pit. i was kinda glad that i wasn't stuck in the mess because the crowd was just swaying back and forth...and i don't think i have good balance.. so it wouldn't have been pretty to get stomped on by a lot of people. so after sonny moore's very interesting act, i decided to go back to the pit to rejoin everyone else since i was just with linna and the others were down by the pit area. when i went downstairs to where the merch booths were, the other ftsk kids were also there so i decided to meet some of them. they were SO nice! well, i only meet 3 of them. kyle, caleb, and austin. kyle is SOO freakin' cute (: and he was soo nice. i actually regret not talking to them. i just didn't know what to say to them because i don't know too much about them...and i didn't even know their names..so it would've been pretty awkward. lol. but NEXT TIME, if i ever see them in concert again. (: austin was... you can say, unique. lol. i think he was mocking me. but it's okay. he's cool :P
ok, so after taking pictures with them, i went to the pit to rejoin everyone and watched the matches perform.. it didn't get crazy until the rocket summer and all time low came out! ahh, i hate tall people! they just block everyone's view and it suckss ): ! lol. times like these i wish i was much, much taller. well, anywho... yeah, during all time low's performance. there were like these guys that were in love with jack apparently.. and they were pretty tall guys..and they tried to get into front row seats.. i was like probably in the 3rd row.. so one of them was like in front of me, and i got kinda pissed. ughh. but yeah, all time low is very entertaining (: haha. jack apparently has a bra collection every night from the concerts. and he likes to call ftsk, forever the motherfuckin' sickest kids... all in all, it was fun when they performed. they did remembering sunday as their encore (: ! loveee the song! after the show, i wanted to meet the all time low boys. so i waited at the merch booths until the security guy was like uhh, move it people they aren't doing meet and greets... well, while this was happening, wendy was still at the merch booth exchanging her shirt... so we were like, uhh, let's just pretend to be buying something at the merch booths so the security won't get really mad and kick us out... while we were doing that, i saw this guy that reminded me of bryce from trs at the merch booths. and i was like, NO WAY! that's bryce! and it really was. so i got him to sign something and get a picture with him, although it was not really that good since he was standing behind the merch table. ha.
okay, so after meeting bryce, i was thinking, the all time low boys have to be meeting fans outside near their tour buses. so we went out there and waited for them along with a crowd. it took them forever to get out. i actually didn't want to get my hopes up, so i told myself that they probably weren't going to come out, but i knew that it would complete my night if i was able to meet the all time low boys, especially alex and zackk <3. so it was taking a really long time, i decided to go back to the theater to see if they were meeting people there? when i was there, i saw the ftsk kids leave.. and i thought i saw zack walking.. so i went back to where the tour buses were and guess who was there? ZACK. he's so freakin' cute <3 i was too shy to ask him for a hug, which i will probably regret for a long time. but when we were taking a picture together, the stubble on his face rubbed against my face. lol! boys and their stubble!! and later, JACK came out. (: jack is just hilarious. lol. after they came out, we waited a little longer, but i didn't think that the others would come out since jack and zack were also going back to the tour bus, so we just left.. and went to pinks. which was weird, but i won't talk about that. haha
so when i came back from the concert, i couldn't sleep because i was still really hyped up. i was SOO happy that i met zack because he's so nice and cute. i actually wish i got a chance to talk to him. i don't think i would've been able to talk to jack because he's too much like me. i wouldn't have good comebacks. :P haha i'm just kidding. but yeah. zack seemed really mellow & chill, so i think i could've had a pretty good conversation with him if there weren't so many girls out there talking to him. next time, next time... i still feel pretty jittery. i need to release the energy somewhere!! ok. that's all folks.
caleb, the sweetest boy from ftsk <3
who hugs when taking pictures?? caleb! (:
kyle from ftsk (: haha. isn't he just adorable?
jack & alex from all time low.
horrible picture, i know.
zackk, my love <3
P.S. the more that i watch caleb's acoustic youtube videos, the more i <3 him!
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| it sucks being sick during finals week ): thankfully, i only have one more final to go (:
i feel like my cold has gotten worse and worse as the week has progressed. i may need to seek some professional help ): ughh. i can't sleep because i can't breathe ): when i woke up today at 7 for my 8 AM final, i felt like shit... as if i hadn't slept all night, when i was supposed to have a good 6 hours of rest. thankfully my freakin' bio final wasn't as hard as i expected to be... or else my lack of rest would've impaired my reasoning and logic. actually, i feel quite schooled by my final. the portion of the midterm that my current professor wrote was bitchin' hard... so i expected the final to be bitchin' hard, but no, it wasn't hard... i missed one tree hill to study for bio ): ): ughh. now i have wait until the cw puts the episode online or wait until sunday to watch it on tv. ): ): the suspense is killing me!
ok. i should really go catch up for my public health class. i have a final tomorrow night and i'm behind in reading ):
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| wow. 2 blogs in a week. i'm on a roll here. i'm jk. xanga is pretty much my only outlet nowadays. i haven't talked to my best friend in two weeks and i have no idea what the heck is going on... i'm just too tired to fight it. i really am.
lately, i haven't really been assessing my feelings because i don't have the time. all my time is expended towards school work and catching up with bio and all my other classes. it's not going to get better until finals are over. so basically, i feel like a freakin' robot... without any emotions, just doing my daily routines... going to school, eating, doing homework, sleeping and repeat. i feel like i should be digging deeper down there to understand how i'm feeling deep down inside because i'm harboring so much negativity. this negativity just adds up. i get my own negativity mumbled and jumbled with other people's negativity and sooner or later i'm going to explode with negativity gushing out everywhere... well, maybe i already have exploded...
last night, there was a planned reunion bon fire with my group of friends from last year. i like going to those things, but yet, i don't. usually, people are off carrying off their own little conversations and i'm just sitting it out like an awkward turtle... it's really not a good feeling to be sitting there and staring at them, wondering what the heck i'm doing here. so yeah. i love them and all, but i feel as if i can't carry on a conversation with all of them because i connect with each of them at a very different level. some people i can connect with really well and i wouldn't mind spilling my heart out to them... others i can't connect with at all. we just say hello and ask each other how everythings going and the conversation dies. and there are also others that you want to get to know better, but have no idea what to say. okay anyway, back to the story... yeah, there was a planned bon fire and we were told to meet at taylor's apartment at 8:20 sharp. i have a night class from 7-10, but i figured that i should really attempt to reconnect with these people and see them all before spring break or whatever because these large hang outs are pretty rare. so in public health (my night class), we have group presentations this week and they tend to be really boring. i wanted to sit in and listen to them because i like having the professor filter out what we have to know for the final instead of reading through all the slides and figuring it out by myself. but i was thinking, i could sacrifice this for the bon fire... it'll just cost me more time, but it's ok. i can afford that. so i get there at 8:10 or so because we were let on break early for public health. i was actually expecting most of the people to be there already and that we would just be getting ready to head to the beach. but apparently, we waited until 9:15 after everyone congregated at taylor's place and when all the supplies were bought. so i was thinking, what the heck? i could've sat through my whole public health class... i was pretty bitter. i just don't like it when people aren't prompt and have people wait on them. BE PUNCTUAL! it's just frustrating, especially when i had to sacrifice something for it when i didn't have to. and the thing is, it was too late to even go to the beach because if we went to the beach, we would've gotten there at 9:30.. and start the fire wood just to let it out like 5 minutes later or something because pit fires need to go off at 10:00.
so yeah, i was a bit pissed... but i felt like i shouldn't have expressed to people that i was frustrated and angered by this whole situation. people were irritated with how i handled the situation. i guess they perceived it as me feeling that my class was more important than them? i really don't know... but i can see they were irritated by my negativity towards the whole situation. i guess people thought of it as me bitching about something so ridiculous and taking it out on them or blaming them for me ditching class. i guess there was a part of me that was blaming them for that. it was like, why the heck did you guys set up the time to 8:20 when you guys know that you guys wouldn't make it? the thing is, i take school pretty seriously because i'm a nerd and i really feel guilty about ditching classes. honestly. i guess i just unleashed my wrath towards them because of all the crap that i've been through these past few weeks. it really needed an outlet. but seeing that they were getting defensive about the situation, i had to brush it off and tell them i was just kidding... i feel like making a phone call to all those individuals that i have offended last night to apologize for my actions. but at the same time, i feel as if what i've done is the right thing... honestly, i'm too tired to think about the situation. i rather admit defeat than to think about who was right or wrong in this situation. i'm just too tired...
ok. so. back to this contagiousness of negativity. i feel so much negativity from this person. i don't know if she hates me or if she's irritated with me/mad at me... i don't know.. but it's like she goes through these mood swings. sometimes she will be really happy and silly around me and other times she wouldn't even talk to me or ignore what i had to say. it confuses me because i don't know what to think. and i think that the negativity that she has towards me brushes off on me..and i feel negative because i'm trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. i feel like i'm pissing off people here and there and i'll reach this point where i will absolutely no friends at all. none. it just feels as if i'm on the brim of drifting off from them. i don't know. maybe she's just going through a phase. but honestly, i hate being fucked with by people's mood swings. it's like, when they're feeling negative or feel crappy, you'd just have to suck up all their negative energy for them and sit there as if everything is fine when everything isn't. you have to try to be nice to that person even through that person treats you like crap because you know that they're in a bad mood. you have to change how you are to fit that person's mood. thinking about it now, friendships seem so freakin' complicated. i'm pretty sure that a lot of people out there will think, well that's the type of sacrifices you have to make for your true friends. my question is, really? should true friends make you feel like crap and bring you down by ignoring you because they're feeling down? i don't know, but that sounds pretty damn selfish of them. but what do i know, i hardly have any "true friends."
i wish that something positive will touch me today and that all this negativity will just disappear just like that because my load of negativity is getting too large for me to carry around.
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| so, i haven't had a public post since june. so here i am, writing something public. this is for you alvin, who complains about me not updating this baby (: jk jk.
ok. so basically, i wanted to post today because of an interesting encounter. my day started out pretty mundane. i didn't do much. just went to class, pay rent, and discussion. tonight, i decided to go hang out with my friends that i haven't bonded with in a long time. we decided to go get some pho because i've been craving vietnamese food for a while. so yeah, we get there, eat, etc. but when it was time to pay for the check, i didn't have change. i only had a 20 dollar bill... and apparently no one wanted to split it. i actually didn't even know how much i was suppose to pay. so i was kinda irritated since no one told me how much i owed them. and i was thinking, what am i suppose to say to the cashier? 'hey, i want change for a 20.' then the cashier would go, 'well, what do you want?' and i'd go, 'i don't know, surprise me?' yeah, not going to happen. but i just walked to the cashier dumbfounded and i guess i wanted three 5s and five 1s. okay, so this is the interesting part...
cashier: why do you need change?
me: (looks at him confused, thinking... why did he just ask me that?)
cashier: (smiles) guys should be paying for the bill, not the girls.
me: (laughs) ha. well, yeah... what can i say?
cashier: if it were me, i'd never make a girl pay! in my country, the boys pay for everything, the bill, the tip, everything! the girls pay for nothing! that's what a real gentlemen does!
me: (smiles) yeah.
cashier: yeah, i guess this is the U.S. and things have changed, eh?
yeah, it was just kind of startling just because it seems like we're living in an age where there aren't too many gentlemen around anymore... and when you actually encounter a gentlemen, it's like, wow...didn't know they still existed type of deal. i don't know. but yeah, i usually get touched by small gentlemen-ly acts and gestures. i don't know, but that little conversation that i had with the cashier just made me smile. i guess because it reminds me that gentlemen do still exist in the world today? but they're just very rare.
yeah, just thought i'd like to share. other than that, not much has happened with me. i just sit in my apartment and do homework or study all day. yeah.. like an old lady. ok. bye. i should get back to my mundane tasks of homeworking. yay...
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i am in<3 with ALL TiME LOW & BOYS LiKE GiRLS & THE SCENE AESTHETiC & much much more ...
